Signs it's time to step in

How it started for me

I'm not a doctor or a care expert. I went through this with my mom, and I'm sharing what I learned the hard way, plus what I've researched since.

My mom spent years caring for my dad. After he died from a stroke, the signs came slowly. She held onto the counter when she walked. She had pain she couldn't describe. She was up all night overthinking. Then came an ER visit for what turned out to be a panic attack, and I moved back home.

Every one of those was a sign. None of them looked like an emergency until they added up to one. That's what this guide is for.

Jan, founder

Get them in front of their doctor, and go with them.

If your parent has Medicare Part B, book their yearly Wellness Visit. It costs $0 if the doctor accepts Medicare, and it includes a review of their medications and a check for early memory problems. Extra tests done at the same visit can cost money, so ask first. (Medicare.gov)

Bring what you've noticed. You see things a doctor won't catch in a 20-minute appointment.

Within days, my mom went from driving around our neighborhood to being scared to walk across the house. She psyched herself out. She stopped trusting her legs and was convinced one fall would be the end of her. When my dad had his stroke, he fell. I think that's where her fear came from. Honestly, watching that was one of the hardest parts.

This fear is common, and it feeds itself. People who are afraid of falling move less, get weaker, and that makes a fall more likely (Temple University, NIA-funded study). So if your parent suddenly won't walk or get out of the chair, take the fear seriously and tell their doctor. Ask whether physical therapy could help them rebuild strength and confidence.

Keep a running note on your phone: the date, what you saw, what they said. After a few weeks you'll know whether things are steady or sliding. It also gives the doctor specifics instead of "she seems off," and it keeps you grounded on the days when everything starts to look like a sign.

1. 1Get in the loop. Doctors can often talk with family who help with care if your parent doesn't object. To make it clear, ask your parent to sign the office's HIPAA release naming you (HHS). That only lets you get information. Making medical decisions for them takes a health care proxy. Also ask the office about getting your own login to their patient portal. Having access to my mom's portal made it so much easier to reach her primary doctor and book appointments, no phone tag required.
2. 2Make the house safer. Remove loose rugs or tape them down, move cords against the wall, add lights at the top and bottom of the stairs, and use nightlights on the path they walk at night, like to the bathroom (CDC).
3. 3Protect the money. If you've seen red flags, call their bank's fraud line together. With their okay, set up account alerts that go to both of you.
4. 4Find local help. The Eldercare Locator (800-677-1116), run by the federal Administration for Community Living, connects families to local help with meals, home care, rides, caregiver training and respite (ACL).
5. 5Start The Parent File. Their doctors, medications, insurance, money and wishes, written down while things are calm. My mom kept a notebook with every medication and the time she took it, a habit from years of caring for my dad. At the hospital, in skilled nursing, and with her nurse practitioner, it was the first thing everyone needed. It's free below.

If they brush it off, that's okay. Let it sit and try again in a few days. It's usually a few conversations, not one.

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